Kinder

I would have liked to waste time pouring over first day ideas, Pinning my favorites and planning the details. I wanted to shop for a lunchbox, to hold an internal debate about whether to buy the cute one she wanted, or the higher quality one that might last the year. I envisioned cutting her PB&Js into fancy shapes and jotting sweet notes on napkins.  I imagined crossing off items on the student supply list and tossing tiny bottles of Elmer's glue alongside big boxes of tissues in a brand new bag far too big for her back. 

Celia should have started school this morning.

But she wouldn’t have gone to school anyway, I hear. True, she wouldn’t have, but the daughter of our dreams did not get sick and die, the one whose hair I would have braided, the one whose crown Andy would have kissed as he wished her luck.  She would have spent the summer losing teeth and diving off the board and learning to read, and we would have sent her to school today. We would have clutched the camera, giving each other nostalgic glances as we watched her clean sneakers step into the classroom.

Celia's illness and death sort of reset the beginning for our family.  We won't have first-day-of-school photos to share for a few more years.  But, as Andy reminded me earlier this week, we might not have had him either.

JEB